Intimacy & Identity

Little by little, moments shape us - each step of the way. Based on a range of experiences, I became accustomed to dreaming, setting goals, crafting an action plan and then checking off the steps one by one. Different layers would click into place. Though there were sometimes surprises or temporary setbacks along the way, for the most part, things worked out. Anytime I perceived a call, there was a sense of a logical, clear pathway. I would take action accordingly, and the desired result would come to be.

Until it didn't.

Again and again.

It felt like responding to the invitations perceived in prayer only to have doors slammed shut before actually arriving. It felt like teasing and leading me on - "Just kidding. That's not really what this was about." It felt like racing ahead and hitting a dead end and needing to turn around. It felt like disappointment and confusion - heartbreak and bitterness.

Yet, it also felt like glimmers of hope - trust that there was purpose to it all, waiting to be revealed with time. Most of all, this season of life has brought healing from all the reasons why my identity had become wrapped up in the outcomes of my goals - all the ways in which my work and worth were intertwined.

Now is a time of reshaping my identity, grounded and rooted in my inherent worth and dignity in Him - without needing to perform, without being contingent upon the degree of success or whether or not I "get it right." St. Paul said,

that [the Father] may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:16-19).

My mind knows this healing of my identity is a great gift. Sometimes my heart gets it too - gratitude and awe welling up. Other times, it is aching.

I can see the evidence of how the way layers have unfolded have been for my benefit and for the benefit of my family, that the pathways have accounted for the anticipated and all those aspects that there was no way I could have known were just around the bend.

I notice how the Lord allows space for my rest, while He continues moving the work forward - the trajectory that only seemed like it would be possible if I continued to press on.

I learn more about myself as each scenario unfolds. He is teaching me through it all, and it all comes back to intimacy and identity - leaning into the Lord with the range of emotions and questions that come up and receiving myself more fully in the process.

Thy will be done in everything. Jesus, I trust in You. Thank you for being with me every step of the way.